You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
