dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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