i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
