i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
