Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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