Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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