i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
