i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
