I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize