He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
