we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
