i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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