I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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