She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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