My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I stole a fireplace last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
