I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
