glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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