Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
