just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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