a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize