I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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