ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
