I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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