It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
