Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So squirting runs in the family.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
