Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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