Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
