Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
