college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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