What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
