The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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