Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
