"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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