oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
