I wish I could punch you in the face.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
