so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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