i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
