what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize