You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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