Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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