i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
