I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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