Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
