I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
