i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
