i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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