Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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