so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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