shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize