the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize