We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
