I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
