I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
