Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
