I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
