New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
