Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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