I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
