Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
