just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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