I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
